


Craig's Rampage

by lordjenjen



Series: DEMON CRAIG [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: DEMON CRAIG!, First time writing something like this, I am shit at making up demon names, I try to be funny but probably fail, Kenny dies so i don't think it counts as major character death, M/M, Tweek is a fucking badass, demon on a rampage, i'm sorry a little, kinda is though, never forget that, so there is blood and shit but nothing to graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 08:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12723162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordjenjen/pseuds/lordjenjen
Summary: After discovering someone kidnapped Tweek and took the book, Craig and Kenny go on a mission to get them back.





	Craig's Rampage

**Author's Note:**

> Ya'll asked for this (in a way)

Craig’s Rampage

 

“Kenny, what the fuck are you doing here?” Cr’aigta'ckzir asked. He was suppose to be helping Tweak get ready. Not just to summon him back to Earth, but also they were going to be bonded in every way possible. 

Cr’aigta'ckzir couldn’t believe Tweak had made a decision to do it. Him saying okay was the happiest moment in the demon’s long life. They spent years planning a wedding, picking out a tattoo shop that didn’t creep out his blonde boyfriend, and even just discussing what would happen. Craig had been in hell to not only rejuvenate but also to make sure no demon would try to kill him. There were very few demons that had actually bonded with human out of love and still alive and the only reason they were still alive is because the higher ups knew they were no threat.

Which made him wonder, why Kenny was here, and  _ dead _ at such an important time.

“Because, some motherfucker left me almost dead, kidnapped Tweek AND THE BOOK, and are currently god knows where. I had to fucking kill myself in a very non heroic way so I didn’t accidentally go to heaven or some bullshit.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir could kick himself. He should have just taken Tweek to a tattoo parlor while they were on a love high. But he knew that to be the wrong thing to do.

“Well then, I guess I’ll be accepting a special summon.”

“You can’t accept their summon, it’s a trap.” Kenny chuckled. “It's a trap.” He repeated in a silly voice. 

“You will be summoning me.”

Craig had known Kenny since the little shit found him in the depths of hell at the age of three. He could read Kenny as well as he could read Tweak. And currently Kenny torn between being mad and frustrated.

“Tweek has an extra summoning symbol in our apartment as an incase he lost the book. You’re going to our apartment tomorrow, summoning me and we will find the mother fuckers.”

“What if I’m not alive tomorrow. You know, spontaneous rebirth and all.” 

Craig took a deep breath. “I’ll take care of that.”

“But-”

“Tweek is all that matters. I know someone who can make sure you’re alive. You summon me. We fuck up some people, because I know you want to hurt the asshole who left you not quite dead.”

Craig shouldn’t have been surprised when Kenny followed. The blonde wasn’t one to sit back and do nothing. He just had to stop the mortal from doing something stupid before they got Tweek. He knew a good percentage of Kenny’s deaths were from being a selfless asshole. He didn’t need that now.

“Gaz!” Craig yelled once in the other demon’s domain. “I require something.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir knew what Kenny was thinking. Out of all the demons, he had to chose her. He had a reason for choosing Gaz’gor. He knew Kenny had heard about how terrible she was from other demons. He just wished he wouldn’t be seeing this side of him. He hated what he was about to do.

“You never come to visit anymore.”

Craig turned towards the pouting demon. He’d heard humans call her beautiful, even in this form, but he knew that she could be anything but. After all, she did give life to succubi and incubi. 

Cr’aigta'ckzir grabbed her and pulled her close. “My darling. I have no excuse besides my lack of offerings for you, but that’s about to change.”

She turned her violet eyes towards Kenny. “You brought me another blonde. That’s your type.”

“He is not for you, but I do need… a favor.”

“I hope it’s not another blonde.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir mouth twitched into a slight grin. “It involves a blonde or two, but they are not for you. No. I am going to offer you an unknown number of people who have dared take what is mine.”

“And what do you want in exchange for it?”

“Make sure my friend here get’s resurrected tomorrow. He’s got a thing with Cthulhu but you know how his people can be.”

“Why? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You even gave me your pet when you were through.”

He was hoping she wouldn’t ask. He didn't know what her reaction would be to such a thing, but if he wanted her help, he had to tell the truth.

“Because I’m in love.”

Gaz was silent as she obviously judged Cr’aigta'ckzir.

“Consider it done. Come mortal. If we are going to make sure you make it back, then we need to go now.”

***

Cr’aigta'ckzir stood before Kenny. His and Tweek’s apartment had been trashed. Craig studied the blood splatters. He could smell Kenny's blood on the through the living room and kitchen. He felt bad for the blonde, having to muster the energy to stab himself to death. But under the stench of Kenny's blood was Tweek's. He could pick out Tweek's scent in the living room. Just a few drops of blood, but it was enough. You don't hurt Tweek and get away with it. 

But another, unfamiliar stench was next to Tweek's. Pride filled him as he realized Tweek fought back and managed to hurt them. When he got his lover back, he would never let him out of his sight again. 

“So, I can just release you to do as you please?”

“Well, you summoned me with the purpose of getting Tweek and the book back by any means necessary right?” 

“Yeah.”

“Good. About what time did they come?”

“About 11am.”

Craig didn't even bother telling Kenny what he was doing. The man would just accepted it. The demon performed some magic and watched as ghost figures appeared. He watched as the figures moved quickly, bursting through the door, and attacking Tweek and Kenny. Craig stopped the animation to take in Tweek's attackers face. He would be the first to die. 

“Coach Hunt?”

Craig turned towards the figure Kenny was inspecting. He vaguely remembered the man.

“You put a curse on him your first day because he tried to make you take off your hat and coat. Like how do you not remember the whistle shitter?”

Craig grind slightly. “Ah yes. But that uh- meathead- wouldn't have been smart enough to be acting on his own. He had help.”

“Like this dude?” 

Craig was a little annoyed he didn't see the guy standing just inside the door, apparently hollering directions. 

“I've seen him in the shop a few times.”

“Yeah and he's the one that told them not to kill me. He's the leader.”

“Do you remember his name?”

“No, you take the orders.”

“Yeah, but he's not important to me so I don't care. However, I bet our coach would give up information.” 

***

Craig had to laugh at Kenny's wooden bat. He knew humans would find it threatening but to him it was silly. When asked why he had a bat in his trunk, the man just shrugged. Craig didn't like that. He had a feeling Kenny was still living in the poor neighborhood despite them paying him well. He would have to rectify the situation. 

“Is that a blood stain?” Craig asked. He was oddly proud of Kenny for the possibility of bashing someone's head in yet concerned as well. He would never tell a soul this. 

“Pigs blood. But no one needs to know that.”

Craig just let out a hum of acknowledgement but he was secretly, incredibly proud of Kenny's deceitful ways. The smug smile on the blonde spoke volumes to the demon. The little shit knew. Kenny looked around them for witnesses but Craig wasn't worried. No one would know they were there. He performed a simple illusion spell so no one would be the wiser. Last thing they needed were the police coming after the two of them. 

“Show off.” Kenny said grinning. “ Let's break some legs.”

Craig was a little worried when Kenny stopped him outside the man's door. 

“Is it possible,” he began slowly, “to allow him to feel the pain I'm inflicting without actually causing physical damage?”

“I would have to transfer the damage to someone.”

“Do they have to be here?”

“Yes. So it can't be Cartman just magically having broken legs.”

“Damn.” Kenny knocked on the door. “That would have been fun.” 

Craig knew from the sound coming from inside, that the coach was not alone. Neither man nor demon were surprised the old coach opened the door without looking. Craig's face never changed but Kenny's went into his “you're a dick customer” grin he knew too well. Kenny swung the bat into the door jam before the man could close the door.

“I believe you have something of mine.”

“You think you can scare me?” 

“I can literally smell the fear rolling off of you. I can hear your heart pumping adrenaline through your vains. And if I wanted to, I could hear your mind trying to decide to fight or run. And honestly, both are bad ideas. So you tell me what I want to know and I might treat you better than you did Kenny.”

When the man didn't move, Craig made him and pushed open the door. Before they could run, the demon waved his hand, freezing his victims in place.

_ Varsity jacket was there. _ Craig heard Kenny in his head.

He turned to the blonde, a little baffled.

Kenny gave Craig a strange look.  _ Bitch please. Like I didn't know you can hear my thoughts if I want you to. _

Craig rolled his eyes.

_ What about those two? _ The demon asked.

Kenny studied them for a moment.  _ They don't look familiar. Doesn't mean they are innocent though. _

Craig just let out a huff and caused the two men to go unconscious. He turned to the still frozen men and pulled off his hat, showing them his horns. 

“This is how this is going to work. First one to tell me what I want gets let off easily. The other shall spend eternity as a plaything for whichever demon I so chose.”

“Even Belzgarg?” Kenny asked, looking at pictures on the wall.

“I do owe him a few souls.”

Kenny pulled a book off the shelf, appearing uninterested in what was about to happen. “Glad it's not me. Do your thing and don't hold back.”

Craig took Kenny's words to heart. He removed his jacket so he wouldn't get blood on it and let his wings out. 

“We aren't telling you anything,” Varsity stated. Craig just chuckled as he took off his shirt as well. “What? You going to fuck us or some gay shit?”

“I wouldn't taint myself.” Craig transformed his hands a little so he had his claws. Without warning he jammed his hands into each if the man's stomach area and twisted a bit. “However, my magic will keep you alive through all of this so the sooner you tell me where Tweek and the book are, the better.”

When nothing but gurgling sounds came out if each of their mouths, Craig pulled his hands out and healed the wounds. He ran a hand up varsity's chest, stopping just above his heart. 

“Care to talk?”

The man spit in Craig's face, still trying to catch his breath. Craig just shrugged and slowly shoved his hand into the man's chest. 

Craig never really enjoyed torturing humans but the feel of this man’s, someone involved in killing his friend and kidnapping his lover, blood running down his arm, the sound of his screams being ripped from him, was positively delicious. He stopped moving his hand when he felt the man's heart beating in it.

“Where's Tweek?”

“We-we don't know.” The coach said in a panic. “We’re just the grunts. We don't know anything. We helped take him but we don't know what they did with him.”

“Who are they?”

Varsity's mouth was open, trying to talk, but no sound was coming out. Craig squeezed the man's heart a little. When he let out a pathetic yell, Craig pulled his hand out and healed the hole as if nothing happened.

“I don't know!” Coach yelled. Craig held his hand out over the coach’s heart. “I-I-I-I have n-n-”

Craig rest his hand in the man's chest, letting it burn through his shirt and into his chest. The man screamed taking Craig by surprise. He wasn't expecting it to be so high pitched. He obviously had a low pain threshold. 

“Don't lie to me.” Craig pulled his hand back, allowing the man to see his butt flesh. “Who are they.”

“I-I-.” The man cried.

Craig was a little disappointed they broke that easily.

“Hey Craig,” Kenny said holding up a book. “Look what I found.”

There was a group picture involving Coach, varsity, and their ringleader at some wedding. Seeing the man brought back a whole new rage to Craig. 

“I’m going to ask you this only once. Who is this man?”

“Just… tell… them.” Varsity panted.

“I can't. He'll kill me.”

“Really?” Kenny asked confused. “You have a demon in front of you who is going to kill you if you don't talk. Just read their minds, get what you want, and send them to hell.”

“His name is Lee! He approached me about getting revenge on you for what you did to me!”

“Revenge?” Craig was getting irritated with the men. “For whistle shits? Kenny. Revenge on a demon.”

“Yeah I heard. That's funny. What's Lee’s last name? Where can we-”

Kenny didn't finish. Craig placed his hand on the man's head, making sure it burned his flesh, and just read everything in the man's mind. He was a bit surprised and quite disgusted. He had raped more than just a few girls and any “fag” they had found out in the gym. Varsity was there for a lot of it. This man was going to be fed to the worst demon he could possibly find. Finally he found what he was looking for. The man called himself Lee but that wasn't his real name. He, Coach, Varsity and a few others were friends to the same people. He was smart enough to never invite Coach over to his house, however, he didn’t use a burner phone. Craig could track him down.

With the coach's mind complete, he moved on to varsity's, hoping he had more information. He hated reading people's minds like this for the reason before him, he had to shuffle through everything they held. Like how Varsity was in love with coach, which would be tragic if it we're for the all rapes and him taking it out on his son. This man made Craig sick. He was going to give them both to the worst demon possible. Finally he found what he was looking for. Varsity had actually followed the man to an abandoned building a few times. He never trusted Lee, but his love for Coach had brought him to this point.

Craig removed his hand and spoke to Kenny without removing his eyes from the two men. “I don't think you want to see what I'm about to do.”

“I'm not a kid, Cr’aigta'ckzir. I feel like I've spent enough time in hell that I've seen it all.”

Craig was confused at the use of his demon name. He looked down at himself and realized he had transformed into full demon form. 

“God damn it. I liked those pants.” Cr’aigta'ckzir sighed and turned to Kenny. “Have it your way, just don't look him in the eye.” 

Cr’aigta'ckzir began chanting and reached a hand into both men’s chest, pulling out their hearts and placing them on the floor. He then used their blood to make the required symbol. A hole opened up and smoke and fire spewed forth. As he chanted the demon's name, he heard an “oh” from Kenny and slight shuffling. A wave of smoke came out from the whole and transformed into a large demon. 

“Who dares-” a deep rumblings voice began before abruptly stopping. “Really, Cr’aigta'ckzir? What the fuck do you want?”

“That's how you greet me when I'm about to offer you these two?”

The demon looked at the two before him. “Smells divine. But what about those three?”

“The blonde is mine-”

“Of course.” The demon said rolling his eyes and approached the two laying on the floor.

“-and those two are innocents.”

“Well the one is. Just a string of bad luck, but this one is a terrible human. Murder, rape, theft. Just my type.”

“Fine, you can have the three.”

“What do you want in exchange?”

Cr’aigta'ckzir studied the demon before him. He had to word his request carefully. “To have yours leave me and mine be. I'm sure you’ve heard about me bonding with a human.”

“I have. Not terribly surprised. So be it. I'll let you be. To bond with someone who belongs to Cthulhu. Daring,” 

Cr’aigta'ckzir looked back at Kenny then to the demon before him. “No. Not him, he is one of mine though. You can see in their minds. They helped take mine. And I'm getting him back the fun way.”

The demon let out a deep laugh. “Right. Have fun with your murdering rampage.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir watched the men's faces, who were kept alive by magic alone, twist in agony, as they were pulled down the hole with the demon. He smiled a little knowing full well they were going to enjoy their stay in hell.

“So I don't speak demonic and am curious about what just happened.”

“All the time you spend in hell, and you never learned demonic? What about with Gas?” Craig asked as he turned back into a human.

“She was speaking English dude.”

“Well, you say the word and I'll give you the knowledge yourself.”

“When will that ever come in handy?”

“When you want to impress demon’s who aren’t me.” Craig began getting rid of any evidence they had been there.

Kenny smiled and leaned on his bat. “Gaz was pretty impressed with me.”

“Gaz is impressed with any human who has an increased sex drive. Don’t read into it.”

Once him and the apartment were cleaned, Craig put his cloths back on. He sighed at his ripped pants. He really did love these pants but repairing them with magic wouldn’t be the same. He did it anyways and vowed to throw these away before buy himself at least three more pair to make up for losing the one. 

Kenny poked the only man left in the apartment with his bat. “What about this one?”

“Leave him. He won’t remember us being here. To him the door opened and then nothing.”

Kenny shrugged his shoulders and followed the demon out. Once in the car, Craig described what building he’d seen in the Varsity’s memory as he pulled out his own phone to do a reverse number search. The number was registered to a Lee Brice and gave a physical address. Craig glared at his phone. He was pretty sure it was a fake name but he rambled off the address on his phone and allowed Kenny to drive them.

Kenny stopped outside the building in the the man’s memories. They both stared at the building, expecting something to happen. It looked like an old rundown department store building. The fact it was someone’s evil lair screamed cliche. When nothing happened, Craig got out of the car and cast the illusion spell. Kenny grabbed his bat and rest it on his shoulders, ready to swing if needed. Craig stood outside the door and concentrated on the inside of the building.

“Two people are inside. Neither are Tweek, but he was here. I can smell it.”

Kenny gave a little nod of acknowledgement. Craig burst through the front door. The inside was surprisingly large but not as empty as he thought. Two men sat at a table playing cards, neither of them flinched when the door burst open.

“You weren’t suppose to die, McCormick.” The taller one stated. Craig recognized him as one of the men who attacked Kenny. 

The other smelled of the blood he found in their apartment. This got Craig’s blood boiling.

“You shouldn’t have left. You missed all the fun.”

“You should have just stayed dead. You won’t find him in time.” Neither men looked up from their card game.

Craig took this to his advantage. He stripped off his jacket, shirt and hat, as he made his way towards the two men.

Once in demon form he leaned in close to the taller man. “Boo.” He said in a normal tone.

The two men jumped and reached for their guns. Before they even got half way, Craig froze them in place. He took the man who attacked Kenny, grabbed him by the throat, making sure his claws dug into the flesh and suspended him in mid air. 

“Kenny, do you want first go at this one?”

The blonde let out a small chuckle. “Don’t mind if I do. Where’s Tweak?”

The man simply spit blood on the demon. Sure he had promised Gaz a few toys, but none of these men were shaping up to be worthy of her special brand of torture. He should have given her the innocent from the apartment.

Kenny swung the bat hitting the man in the shins. The man’s screams echoed off the empty walls. It was like music to Craig’s ears. It had been way too long since he’d given people what he felt they deserved.

“I’ll ask again. Where’s Tweak?”

“Fu-fuck you.”

“You know what, dude? I’m just going to give you what you gave me.” Kenny swung the bat, hitting and breaking the man’s knee caps. “Can you bend him like he’s on his hands and knees?” 

Craig complied and watched as Kenny brought the bat down on the man’s lower back. The force was enough to break a few vertebrae. He brought the bat down again with enough power to damage the man's spinal cord.

“Leg’s probably don’t hurt anymore. Dick.” Kenny brought the bat down across the man’s shoulder blades, before resting it on his shoulder. “I’m going to go find some shit to dig through. Get the information any way you want.”

“As you wish.”

“THEY TOOK HIM TO THE WOODS!” Tweaks attacker yelled. “They-they are going to use him to summon his demon.”

“Where in the woods?” Craig asked dragging a claw down the man’s chest, drawing blood.

“Sh-shut up,” the taller man breathed. “Y-you’re..”

“We’re fucking dead already! I’d rather die here than live in a world where that psychopath is leader.”

Craig grinned a little. “You’re not wrong. You’re both dead, but if you tell me everything, I won’t give you to the worst demon possible. You will suffer though. You did attack Tweek after all.”

“No! That wasn’t me! I know this sounds terrible but it was my twin brother. He’s like, infatuated with Lee. He took the man. He has a bloody lip and black eye from him. Apparently he has a really good right hook!”

The demon couldn't help but be giddy on the  inside having someone compliment Tweek's right hook. “Talk.” Craig rested his hand on the man’s throat, ready to squeeze if he felt like the man was lying.

“They-they are thirty-six miles down forest road, there is an old road that you can barely make out on the left side. It’s marked only by some pink tape tied to a tree. When you travel like two miles down the road, you will probably run into five cars. You should see a footpath. It leads to a clearing that is apparently demonic. They will be there. The ritual will take place a little after 7.”

Craig put his hand on the man’s head and found everything he said to be true. He was way too passive for his own good, thus his brother had taken him down the path that lead him to this moment. Gaz would have fun with this one. He would willingly do anything she said. She loved willing pets.

Craig didn’t bother to read the other. He didn’t care to know the terrible life the man lived. Instead, he pulled out his heart and began chanting and drawing Gaz’s summoning circle.

The demon’s entrance was far less extravagant than the last, but was anything but simple. Purple smoke accompanied her, making her look that much more mystical. 

“Cr’aigta'ckzir, darling. You’re supposed to leave that part intact!” She pointed to the heart on the floor.

Cr’aigta'ckzir shrugged. “That one wasn’t meant for you.”

She inspected the dying man before moving on the other. “There are two of these? I want the set.”

“You’ll get the set. But are you sure you want to-”

“I want the set.” She said more sternly. She looked around Cr’aigta'ckzir and smiled. “Kenny darling! Good to see you alive. I want the other. I want the set.” She pouted.

Kenny took the demon’s hand and kissed it before kissing the inside of her wrist. “I will do my best to prevent our dear friend here from doing too much damage to the other,” Kenny stated in a sweet voice Cr’aigta'ckzir hand never heard him use before, “but you have to understand, the other actually damaged his lover. It would be like one of them attacking your children. How difficult would it be for you not to murder him on site?”

“I guess, as long as I get them both, it will be fine. I’m taking the damaged one as well. I need a bargaining chip.” With a swirl of purple smoke, Gaz and the two men disappeared.

“What the actual fuck Kenny?” Craig asked changing back to a human.

“She took a liking to me. I do have quite the people skills and charm. There’s a reason Cartman called me a man whore for so long.”

Craig chose to ignore that part. He didn’t need reminded of the evil spawn and his lack of any kind of compassion, understanding, or even basic human decency.

“So, I found a map and this book.” He turned to see Kenny holding up a hand drawn children’s christmas book. “This particular book is written by our dear friend Eric Cartman. He took Tweek to a “demonic” spot meaning the one in this book where they try to give birth to the antichrist. So psychotic really does describe Lee Brice, who, I want to point out, is just some country singers name.”

“I noticed.”

“Good. Get dressed. It’s quite a drive.”

***

This was South Park and in the 10 years Craig had been here, he realized summoning a demon was low on the totem pole of bizarre things. So driving south of town and ending north of it wasn't surprising. Neither was the giant bigfoot thing, Kenny called Scuzzlebutt, sleeping in the middle of the road. The talking woodland creatures Kenny stepped on the gas to run over, was a little surprising.  

What actually managed to surprise Craig is how this one spot in the woods was night time, eerily quiet, and felt like it possessed an evil no demon could even imagine. They found the cars parked alongside the road and got out. The trail creeped Craig out a little, but still he made his way closer to Tweek. It was faint, but he could pick up his scent mixed in with some others. The closer they got the more he could smell the fear and anger in Tweek’s scent. He was glad it wasn’t full of despair. His Tweek was still fighting.

“I said, don’t hurt him you imbeciles!”

Craig felt Kenny’s arm hit his chest. “I don’t think Lee is the end of this. Don’t kill him long enough to find out.”

Craig gave a slight nod.

“I’m going to fucking kill you, assholes!” He heard Tweak yell.

“Can we shut him up?”

“Go choke on a dick if you want silence that much! GAH You-”

“Better. Get in formation.”

Craig could still hear Tweaks muffled yelling, but his concern for the blonde overtook his judgement. He no longer cared about the coat and hat he had taken from Tweek that first day. He no longer cared about his pants or his red racer shirt or even what they were planning. He had to save Tweek.

Cr’aigta'ckzir could see into the clearing. They were all wearing black robes except one who was in red. Chanting began to fill the demon’s ears and panic set in. When he saw Tweek in white, tied to a stone slab littered in ruins, his emotions went full rage. They had planned on using Tweek as a sacrifice to summon a more powerful demon. He was having none of it.

He stabbed his hand through the nearest man’s back and threw him to the ground behind him before performing the same action on the man to the left. The chanting didn’t stop, but the smell of fear was overwhelming. He squeezed his claws into the next man’s throat, puncturing the man’s air ways. He cast a spell to stop the twin and Lee. The twin was silenced but Lee continued chanting. The demon was a little concerned but was prepared to use a more physical means to stop him. He lifted his fist to punch the man but found himself unable to.

Lee looked the demon in the eye and smiled. “Hello, Cr’aigta'ckzir. Pleasure seeing you again.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

The smile fell of Lee’s face. “Are you messing with me?”

“No. I don’t know who you are.”

“It’s only been a hundred years! How do you not remember!?” the man shouted. 

“Obviously you weren’t important then.” 

The man’s eyes started glowing. “Not-not important. Are you being serious? You’re the whole fucking reason I’m stuck on this god forsaken plane!”

“Jesus Christ! I fucking told you he didn’t care about you or your stupid petty feud!” Tweek yelled. 

“This is why I hate you. Theuna. Like you fucking had me banished from heaven and I’m stuck on earth with these gross humans.”

_ Just use your magic to take him out. _ Cr’aigta'ckzir heard Kenny’s voice say.

_ I can’t. I didn’t spend enough time in hell to really go back to my full strength _ .

“GAH! Why-” Tweek cut himself off but Craig knew. He could hear him and Kenny.

_ Later. _ Craig thought.

“I thought you’d never ask-”

“He wasn’t talking to you. He’s stuck here because he’s a toolbag who is responsible for the mass spread of greed, corruption, and pretty much all those extremes involved in the catholic church and christianity. And well, I was summoned to kill the pope in charge at the time, who he had placed there. But this lead to the decline of the church for a few hundred years and the rest of the stuff never really went away. Kind of ruined God’s image of what he wanted. So in away he also caused the mormons.”

“What happened 100 years ago?”

“He summoned me to make a bet that if his team won the world series we would switch places. I would be banished and he would be in hell.”

“Wh-what year was that?” Tweek asked.

“1904.”

Kenny started laughing. “Dude! There was no world series game that year.”

“I know. I didn’t know which team was his I pretty much started shit and caused no team to even play.” 

“No matter.” Theuna pulled out a dagger and aimed for Tweek. 

Before he could even use magic to stop it, Kenny stepped in front of the blade taking it to the chest.

“You fucking idiot!” Cr’aigta'ckzir yelled and pulled the blonde away from the alter. “You can’t fucking die on me yet. You die. I go back to hell. Tweek. Apply pressure.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir heard Theuna begin chanting again.

“Tweek?”

Cr’aigta'ckzir turned to look at his fiance. Kenny let out a choked chuckle as they both watch the man, who had picked up Kenny’s bat, swing it at the angel’s legs. The smug look was wiped of his face as the bat made contact with his leg causing him to hit the ground. 

“You fucking son of a bitch!” Tweek yelled as he brought the bat down on the man’s skull. “You terrorized me!” He began punctuating each sentence by hitting him. “You fucking stab my friend! You tried summoning a demon to kill my fiance a week before our wedding! GAH! Eat! Dicks! And die!”

Cr’aigta'ckzir rushed to Tweek and grabbed the man before he managed to actually harm the immortal. Tweek dropped the bat and wrapped his arms around the demon and began to cry.

“Babe, it’s fine now. You’re fine. Kenny will be fine.”

“It’s not fine.”

“It will be. Let me finish up here. Just hold Kenny off from dying for like 5 minutes.”

Tweek let go of Cr’aigta'ckzir and went to attend to Kenny. Craig kicked the angels skull for good measure before using the blood of a nearby minion to draw a summoning circle. He began the same chant from earlier to summon Belzgarg. 

“Again Cr’aigta'ckzir?”

“Yes again. Sorry they are already dead this time though.”

“No matter. What about the live ones? The blondes are yours?”

Cr’aigta'ckzir turned to make sure Tweek and Kenny were the only blondes alive. “Those two are mine, yes. And unfortunately, that one I promised to Gaz’gor-”

The huge demon gasped, “Gaz’gor!? Can I deliver him pretty please? I’ll do anything!”

“Take care of Theura for me? Because he’s just going to keep bothering me. So I’ll probably end up summoning you again anyways.”

The demon thought on it for a moment. “How important is that one to Gaz’gor?”

“It’s part of a matching set. She demands the matching set.”

“Oh all right. I’ll deliver him to her and take the fallen angel off your hands. I’ll even clean up your mess since you’re too weak.”

Cr’aigta'ckzir heard a groan of protest from the angel behind him, but it didn’t matter. The demon waved his hand, causing everyone Cr’aigta'ckzir and Kenny killed to come back to life. Their life was short lived as the demon gathered them around him. 

“Wait!” Tweek yelled and approached the demons. “The-the book. It’s in his robes.”

“Book?” Belzgarg questioned. 

“Yeah book. This is the one I am bonding with and the book he uses to summon me is apparently inside…” Craig turned to Tweek. “Who has it, babe?”

“Lee.”

“Theura.” Cr’aigta'ckzir clairfied.

The large demon ripped of the robes and handed them to the man. Tweek thanked the demon before searching through the robes for the book. When he found it, he tried handing the robes back to the demon. The demon laughed and waved it off, taking his new play things into hell with him.

“How the shit did Kenny’s bat do the trick?” Craig asked as he changed back into a human.

Kenny grinned. “Yeah you didn’t touch it at all. It’s blessed.”

“Why?”

“As a just in case demon's invade to take you out. Also Father Mackey was doing blessings one day. I have a blessed bat, a blessed condom and a blessed bottle of Jack.”

Craig just shrugged it off. And turned back to Tweek. “Babe, I have to go back. We’ll have to postpone the tattoo a bit, but still summon me for our wedding. I’ll just have to go back to hell right after.”

Tweek just nodded as Craig leaned in for a kiss.

“I love you.”

Hearing Tweek say that would never get old to him. “I love you, too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> SOME EXPLANATIONS that I realize I will never get around to writing a story to explain. Tweek has summoned Craig so many times that he already shares a little bond with the demon. This is why he can hear Kenny's thoughts. I was going to expand on this farther but realized I had no place to do it but didn't want to take it out.   
> Belzgarg is a huge fan of Gaz'gor. Any reason to meet her, he's going to take. Didn't know if that was clear.  
> CRAIG IS HELLA PROTECTIVE OF KENNY! He knows Kenny can hold his own. He knows Kenny can't stay dead. HOWEVER he also knows Kenny really well and is just kind of like that over protective Dad friend. I have a short story I'm working on about this.  
> There was more, but I forgot what it was. It's too late for this! 
> 
> Thanks for reading my trash. Comments and shit are always welcome.


End file.
